Grrr I can't sleep... It's midnight and the land of nod just will not embrace me and so I find myself sat here, writing random shit drinking tea, dunking Ginger Nuts and contemplating the shopping spree that I have been roped into going to with Michelle tomorrow morning... for wedding shit.
I'm not a huge fan of weddings, to be honest I find them kinda boring.. until the reception starts and everyone gets mullered and all wait with baited breath to see just who will either a) make a prick of themselves and fall ass over tit on the dancefloor, b) be brave enough to cop a feel of ol' Aunty Janet who's better known for her army interrogation and torture expertise or c) who has a domestic... Nothing like a good ol' domestic at a wedding, there's always one!!
Since I mentioned in an earlier post I am infact Matron of Honour and so I have a shit tonne of jobs to do. I don't like doing shit, especially when it's all lovey dovey crap. I'm hardly the epitome of a hopeless romantic. I'd rather get a cheeky pizza in, bottle of wine, some sick action film and totally veg out, obviously it's a huge frickin bonus if you get laid after. Infact I am so fail at romance that even my man doesn't bring me flowers anymore, I think he got bored of me looking none too plussed upon receiving them with a half hearted *Yay, that's great* followed by a whispered *Great, another fucking thing I gotta try to keep alive* ... Now he brings me Monster Munch, that's much fuckin' better.
So yeah, this wedding. Michelle knows me very very well, We've been best friends for the last 3 years and there's not alot I don't share with her. She's a cool friend. She laughs at my jokes, she offers her help all the time, she doesn't judge me and she's a grade A spaz too, so we get along super fine, plus she's agreed that since my dress is so long I can wear either my Nikes or New Rocks because I refuse to wear stupid diamante kitten heel shit all damn day. Knowing me like she does, she knew that upon asking me, as MoH, to read a love reading out at the church infront of everyone would totally freak me the shit out. I don't mind speaking infront of people, I've done it before, abeit both instances were infact funerals, but it's not the same is it? I find it odd that I am more at ease speaking at a somber gathering than a joyous, momentous occasion.
I find myself saying "Sure thang hon, yep I can totally do that, s'gonna be just fine and great and fun" I'm amused at the words I'm saying to her, because it's not gonna be any of the above. I can't actually see myself standing in God's house who, by the way, I think is pretty pissed at me and I'll be amazed if I don't set on fire upon entering His garden, and proudly reading a love poem. I can't see it, because it's just not me. Stepping out of my comfort zone is fun, under most circumstances but this? infront of people I know who truly believe I'm a hard faced bitch and reading about undying love and the beautiful colours and the rings, oh Heavenly One and the BLAH BLAH BLAH...
She goes one step too far. She asks me to choose the reading myself. Like a gift from me to her/them. When she asked me this, it was over coffee surrounded by our usual crew of deadbeat moms who don't work because they really don't have to. I noticed that when she asked me to choose the love reading myself a lull fell over the table. Eyes darting to one another as they're lifting their coffees quite clearly thinking 1 or 2 things. Those being 1, I must not piss myself right now and 2, Shit is Michelle crazy? Asking the most emotionally detached, non romantic, fucked up porn loving chick to choose something so special for her special day. I know they thought these 2 things, because they were MY immediate thoughts to. I tried to look not too WTF and nodded "Sure, I can do that. I can do that right?" The last part of that sentence was aimed at the others who took a moment to formulate their non-committal replies of ''Sure, sure you can'' Who are they even trying to kid? Don't bullshit a bullshitter, I can't do this shit. I've scoured the internet for stuff and I'm just met with all this undying love, every day is a blessing, happy every day and forever after, breathe as one. WTF is that shit? Who lives like that? and if you do, what the fuck happened to your spine? I couldn't imagine not having the odd kick out, a slight anger burst that get's your blood pumping. It reminds us that we're still alive. Unique and impulsive. I'm just gonna have to tell the truth, maybe I'll pen it myself, or make it up as I go along. Man, would she freak the fuck out.
I'm going to fight the urge to stand infront of the congregation and break out with ''Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl...'' That's what I really wanna do. I just can't take shit shit too seriously
Infact, I'm only going for the free beer, the cake and my MoH gift which sooooo better be freaking expensive for making me lose some street cred with the Shakespeare shit. Speaking of cake, I super love this .......
I'm not man hating, promise, it just made me smile, devilishly. And to prove this, just for the boys ......
G'night :)
Raven xoxo
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