I had a visitor today, who was the most odd looking man I've seen in a very very long time. A handy man. A handy man called Dirk.
I think Dirk is a serial killer, or potentially a serial killer.....
Obviously I was expecting the knock at my door this morning, albeit 45 minutes late which really fucked me off. I hate tardiness. You can be anything you want, just don't be late. It's rude. And when I'm Queen of the World I will make lateness a hangable offence. That way, you won't make the same mistake twice :)
So yeah, knock at the door. I open it. He's greeted with the dulcit tones of Korn and me with my raised eyebrow making it aware that I was less than impressed that he was late.... I was met with a 6ft dude, bald head, wearing skin tight clothing and carrying all imaginable tools with weird hooded crazy serial killer eyes. I dropped the raised eyebrow instantly, this guy just emitted freaky weirdness mixed in with slight crazy. I don't wanna invite him into my home, I'm safe in here but I can't fix the God damn water pipes by myself and so I have no alternative but to step aside and invite him in.
It's crazy really, what we do as humans when we feel uneasy in a situation. As I let him in, my eyes are casually looking around for something to stand near so I can knock the prick out if he turns all Fred West on me. My choices? A coathanger, a fairy ornament and an incense burner. Not great. I remember cursing Ruby for not leaving one of her fashioned ultimate weapons of terror around. I offer tea as I walk him through to the kitchen. I don't even know if he drinks tea but he's called Dirk so that's Euro right? All self respecting Euro's drink tea. I decide if he accepts the tea, I might change some of my perception about him.
He declines the tea.
I carefully put a pair of big scissors from the drawer, all sneaky sneakerson, in my back pocket as I'm making the tea.
I'm trying to think of small chit chat but I'm coming up blank. He's set his tools down and he's just lookin at me. I tell him and point at the sink, it's broked and I swear it wasn't me. He just shrugs and say's 'I know' ...
You know? Then don't just stand there like a fuckin crazed, psychotic, drug induced freak of nature with all your predator killer vibes, fix the shit and leave. Yeah so that's what I wanted to say, I didn't. I don't wanna anger it. I just nod, an awkward silent nod whilst my fingers are toying the scissors in my back pocket.
Eventually he starts the work and I leave the kitchen, sit on my sofa hugging my big cushions and make the biggest mistake ever. I call Michelle.
She doesn't allay any of my fears. No. She's too busy pissing herself laughing at my potential demise. Wtf? I tell her how I'm concerned as I need to go out at some point and I might have to leave him here, in my home alone. I ask for her advice. Her advice, hide the 'Sex Lockbox' That wasn't bad advice and I was almost grateful to her for sugguesting it, before she went into some disgusting spiel of the acts he will engage in with my personal extra-curricular instruments in my absence. I can't look at the Lockbox now. It's tainted.
I hang up the phone and sit there. My back is to the kitchen area which looking back now was obviously not a smart move. He's right behind me now and just really eerily says 'I like your music'. That's it. Nothing more, no change of expression in his face, nothing. This dude is one fucking basic chiller and I'm trying to remember all the Kill Bill moves I can ready to take this wanker out.
The most spine chilling moment was yet to come. As I'm up on my feet he just stares that same weird stare. No emotion or expression and says 'I'll be back tomorrow to finish the job. I'll eliminate the problem'. What in the Lord's fuckin name is that shit? Who talks like that? Who, in their right mind, walks around looking like something out of a mental institute, with a name like Dirk who quite clearly has no social skills, doesn't drink tea, looks like he could murder you with his bare hands without blinking or sweating with zero remorse and says a sentence like that? That's not fuckin funny man. I'm not laughing. I'm fuckin freaked, I'm thinking Damn, am I 'the job'? Admittedly, my imagination has on occasion ran amok. But there is something so jacked up about this guy it's unreal.
He's due here in the morning, at 11am.
I'm going to offer tea.
If he accepts the tea, I'll rethink my perception of him. If he declines the tea, I'll be ready with my MP5..... Drink the damn tea bitch!!
Ciao for niao
Raven xoxo
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