Wasn't gonna write today but I have a serious shoe issue that just needs addressing. I love shoes, what chick doesn't? I wouldn't say I own a stupid amount of shoes, I'm just particular about which I buy and wear. They don't have to be designer, just.... different. A pair for each occasion is good enough for me. And whilst I think about this shoes situation it occurs to me how we adopt a different walk, as chicks, for each different pair. Take my trainers for example, when I wear those I'm feelin' all sporty and limber so I walk with a springy step! My New Rocks, in those I walk with attitude that says... ''Dude, rly? You talkin' to me?. Pretty sandals with girlie flowers, they give me the grace and innocence walk and finally, my hooker shoes, they... well you get the picture?....
Anyway, as I was saying, this little shoe horror starts way back in November.. Whilst perusing the internet, I just, accidently ofcourse, happened to stumble across one of the most God damn sexiest pair of shoes known to man. Bordello Teeze. Oh my oh my, I was smitten and wanted them that moment. Not cheap, but not exactly mega expensive so I carefully left my the page up and awaited the arrival of hubby home from work. He doesn't say no to me often, I think my joy brings him joy... this is what I tell myself to feel ok :) He comes home and I show him the shoes. First question.... How much? I show him since I'm already at the ''Proceed to checkout'' stage, he rolls his eyes but he knows he's gonna say yeah, so do I. He gives me the nod and I'm raping the Place My Order button, so satisfied and smug. I tell him how these shoes are gonna change my life and he just looks at me with an odd look. My legs are 33 inches long, add these Bordellos and in effect, they'll be 38 inches. A chick with legs that long can surely rule the world, right?
I wait for delivery, eagerly by the window like a Yorkie Terrier waiting for the newspaper boy. Couple of days pass, then a week. That week turns into 2 more weeks. WTF? So I find myself emailing the company I ordered from. Oh yes ma'am, they're on the way. A further 2 weeks pass and magnificently I see Mr Courier pull up outside. I squealed and did some little victory dance for my cats and waltzed outside. I coulda hugged that Mr Courier but since I could smell the dude as I opened my door, and the fact his forehead was similar to that off Alien, I thought nah. I sign and my hands are shaking I just can't wait.
Back inside the house I set the long awaited package down. Oh my life I'm having heart palpitations as I ever so carefully open the brown paper packaging. My eyes rest on the beautiful shoe box they come in. GDI so sexy. I open the box and an inaudible gasp escapes my lips. Each shoe is in their very own little cute bag. My patience is fucked now and I rip them out of their little bags like a fat kid receiving a burger at Mc D's. I'm pretty sure my eyes glazed over as I gaze in awe at these beauties that are now all mine.
Desperately I take the stuffing out of the shoes and start to slip them on. Wait, no, I start to 'try' to slip them on. They're not going on. Confused I turn the shoe over, yep correct size 5/39. Did my feet grow? I made a mental not to check that on Google. Figuring they were just tight coz they were brand new I try again. I'm sweating at this point, I look at myself in the mirror and just see Cinderella's fat feet ugly sister trying a glass slipper on. Eventually, after more sweat and a hint of a tear I get the fckin things on. Oh yeah I think to myself, watch me walk baby. They were sooo damn tight I was walking akin to a tranny on meth and I was sure I couldn't feel my little toes :/ I determined that since I'm normally wasted by 10pm at weekends, I wouldn't feel the pain but hubby being the more sensible of us both, talked me into returning them and ordering the next size up. I realise after visiting the website again that the shoes sizes are American, so perhaps they are just a touch under Euro sizes and so I box them back up and put a little note in explaining what I need with a further request that they ask the Americans to grow some proper sized feet.
It's now January. Still no shoes. Not even a little sign of them coming home to me. Mr Courier has been nowhere near my home. I've stalked the local post office to such a degree that they busy themselves when I enter and I know they've drawn straws as to who is going to deal with me that morning. The chick at the company where I ordered is the most useless douche and fobs me off with lame ass brusque answers, she's very lucky that there is a huge expanse of water separating us and that I can only doggy paddle else I'd be pew pew'in her face.
Shoe rant over.
Not so nice weather today but thank fuck I have nothing to do this morning except veg out and perhaps watch some Controversial TV.
Have an awesomesauce day :)
Raven xoxo
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