I really really need to stop watching Controversial TV. It's taking over my life as I know it. Most days whilst mooching about I'm generally thinking about mundane tasks i.e. bill paying, chores, waxing etc but lately I find myself considering how I'm going to survive 21.12.12.
Ordinarily I'm a pro-active girl. I pride myself in adhering to the 5 P's. Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. But how does one prepare for what the Mayan calendar sugguests? How does one prepare for a prediction of.... ''Yeah well, sommat's gonna happen, we just don't know what it is yet'' In light of my worries, I decided to broach the subject with my GF's this morning over coffee.
My mates don't do serious conversations. It may start out serious but since every one of them has excellent sense of humours any seriousness is lost forever in their extreme, radical dickhead retorts and sugguestions.
And so, I brace myself as I find the words escaping my lips..
''We're all gonna die and it's probably gonna fuckin hurt.... bad''
It's not unusual for one of us to have outbursts like this during coffee. One of our crew just can't... STFU.. so it can be hard to get a word in edgeways. Immediately, all eyes are on me as they mentally prepare themselves for the imminent piss taking. After swallowing the usual 'Quit watchin' that contro tv girl'' or ''shit, you not get laid last night?'' or their new favourite ..''Lay off the midget porn'' <--- Don't ask, its a long story and I still declare my innocence... a discussion takes place, if the world does actually end, how are we gonna go out?
We go through some of the possible natural disasters that could happen followed by Alien invasions and supernatural beings invading our planet... some are viable ideas but we settle for it being a Tsunami. I think this was because we decided that this type of disaster we may just survive. Sitting there and listening to them chatter on about how awesome their breast stroke was, I'm smug. They ask why I'm smug since my breast stroke actually makes me look like I'm having animal sex with an invisible bear but their words cannot harm me.... they all live on flat ground, I'm on the top of a big fuck off hill.. Yeah I might see it coming, in full technicolor but I get at least a 10 minute head start right? They see my vantage point. They want in.
The subject of, what do you want to be doing, when the water comes and you're ripped from this life presents itself. I considered this for some time. I thought of all the things I know and love, all the things that make me happy to be alive.. and it dawned on me. There is just one thing I could be doing, in the face of Death itself, that would provide me with the chance of survival OR going out really fucking happy :)
Every decent living normal girl has a special friend that doesn't fuck you off, doesn't answer back, doesn't ask you to play 'Stick It' in bed but always, always provides satisfying results. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about vibrators. Some of us take our love maybe a step too far by naming them. I found this an exciting prospect and after mentally perusing names such as The Annihilator or The Liver Disturber, I went with Ralph. Ralph is Deluxe, that's what the packaging said. He has diamante detailing and an abundance of flashing lights. I always think of Kitt in Knight Rider at the most awkward moments.
So here's my logic. Here's how Ralph will either make me smile as I take my last gulp of air or how he will save me from the impending doom and further provide what could possibly be the 'Chick's Ultimate Survival Tool' akin to a guy's Swiss Army Knife.
If it's most apparent to me that I'm not gonna make it, that my chances of survival are nil then Ralph will fulfil his role for one last time. I can't help but laugh to myself as I think about rigor mortis setting in, the clean up operators might have a few wide eyed moments and sarky comments when they come across my corpse. But if all goes well, and I do make it, Ralph will become my ultimate tool of survival.
In the aftermath of this horrendous disaster, I picture myself in some lonely barren wasteland, but it's gonna be ok, I've still got Ralph clutched in my hands, tightly. He will have many uses.... and here's how he can beat a Swiss Army Knife hands down...
1. Need to beat an animal to death, but just can't bear to use your hands? Not a problem. Ralph weighs a tonne, he can be used as a murder weapon and since he's made of rubber, you get minimal kickback.
2. Need to stir that broth you just made from the animal you just maimed, over your campfire, but have no spoon? Not a problem. Ralph can stir and ladle with love.
3. Need a strobe light show to attract the attention of rescuers? Not a problem. Ralph illuminates like the Northern Lights.
4. Lonely? ...
Swiss Army Knives can do some things, but they can't do 3 and 4.
Make your Ralph part of your 2012 Survivor Bundle. Act now! It could save your life.
Love
Raven xoxo
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