Sweet Innocent Sucker!

GDI it's chilly today, ok so it's like mebbe 21 degrees but for me, that's farkin cold. (I'm staring dreamily at my lovely summer dresses as I type this wishing for my hot sunshine to come) that's gonna take forever so for now I guess I carry on freezing my tits off and sounding like I have some unique speech impediment due to uncontrollable teeth chatter.

So my sister is pregnant, bun in the oven, up the duff. Exciting news but if I'm being honest, it's a damn scary prospect. Although she's 25, and educated to a reasonable standard, she just lacks common sense and pretty much believes anything she is told. Picture a chick version of the Milky Bar kid and you have my sister. Let me take you through some of the most radical things I have made her believe over our sibling years.... you'll see where I'm coming from then!!!

 

So its 2005 and my sister comes to live with me and my family. We were living in Staffordshire, England, at the time and she wanted to enroll in a performing arts class in my county. She moves in. It doesn't take long for us to notice how truly blonde she can be and it's provided so many lols that we just 'had' to take the piss, relentlessly.

One day she says to me 'Sis, I'm going to London at the weekend' !! She's all excited, her eyes are shiny and she's like a puppy waiting for a scooby snack. I smile sweetly and say 'You got your passport?' Wide eyed she's like, omfg, are you srs? Sure I tell her, oh and don't forget to put your watch an hour forward, ya know, coz of the time difference. I say this shit to her with no emotions, as if they are just passing comments and they roll off my tongue with ease. I got a call off my mom, got bollocked for scaring the shit out of my kid sister. It's ok, was totally worth it.

You'd think, given just the above story that r'kid would learn not to believe any incredulous stories that I might tell, but she doesn't. Not long after the London issue, I tell her that English pound coins are indeed made from pure real gold. But the best ones are yet to come..

During one drunken night, we're watching a documentary on TV. 'Swimming with Dinosaurs' All snuggled up on the sofa I say dramatically "Jesus, how brave is that guy swimming with that huge beast?' I look over to my hubby who knows exactly what the plan was and he chirps in 'I know, it's amazing. I'd be shitting myself right now, bet he is too' On the screen are dinosaurs swimming with little scuba guys superimposed with them. My sister looks at me and says 'No way are those guys really doing that, right?'  I'm speechless and reply 'How on Earth would we have this footage if it isn't real?' She sits upright and glares at the tv, cogs turning in her brain. Finally she claps her hands over her mouth and says 'I didn't know dinosaurs could swim and omg, look at him stroking the dinosaur, omg this is insane'. I'm almost crying at this point, hiding my snickers behind a cushion, she's just so damn gullible.

The next day is St. George's day so we're discussing some project she has going on at college with regards to the Saints day. I exclaim how it amazes me that one man, with one sword, can defeat such a huge beast as a dragon. I don't expect even her to bite at this, but to my amazement, she does. Are you saying that it's a true life story she asks. I give her the look, the look I have perfected over the years that says 'Dude, really? are you stupid?' She wants to know then all about how 'one man, with one sword'.... I tell her of this man's crusade, I even make dickhead words up. I tell her how George bravely defends himself from the special fire that the dragon flares out of his special nymphodes <---- wtf? I enjoyed myself so much with this amazing story of bravery and courage, even my kid was amused at my animation. The next day, off she trots to college. Day passes, it's home time and I hear the key in the door, followed by a slam, followed by her bag being flung on the floor. She enters the room, hair swinging, hand on hip, finger waggling and head shaking (I deny myself the pleasure of calmly remarking on how well the 'amatuer dramatics' is working out at college or that she needs to quit watching Jerry Springer since she's almost albino and it just doesn't look right) She's mad as hell, like mad mad. I'm dunkin' my kitkat in my tea and am like, sup? She ran me through her days events, ending with her telling me how she stood up, infront of her whole class, and yeah, you guessed it, described in painstaking detail how 'one man, with one sword'  against all odds and dragon's nymphodes stood victorius. Well, omg, I just died from laughing, I think I almost wee'd. Even now, some years on, it kills me every time I think of it.

So you see, she's having this little baby. She'll be an awesome mom in regards to loving, nurturing and caring for the wee one, but will she have the ability to get her shit together in respect of common sense? I hope so, but before that happens, surely I can't miss one final opportunity for one more wind up... possibly something umbilical cord related? Oh I'm evil :)

Have a cool Tuesday.

Raven xoxo